Sample 1

POP GOES THE CULTURE

A recent Zogby poll - uttered by many newscasters as if it was a foreboding clue to the coming Armageddon (no, not the movie) - said that more Americans are able to name two of Walt Disney’s seven dwarfs than can name two of America’s Supreme Court justices. And this is bad why?

I have been saying for years that political ignorance + popular culture = bliss but people always ignore me as if I am an important fact about our democracy. Yes, it’s a lonely feeling but - survey says: I am not alone.

As best as I remember from my televised education, ignorance is one of our inalienable rights - like privacy and the right to invade the privacy of celebrities. I learned everything I know while studying for my degree at Hollywood Access University as well as from my personal tutor, Regis Philbin, and that’s why I believe the problem is not ignorance.

It’s elitism.

A big deal was made over the fact that more Americans can name The Three Stooges - Larry, Moe and Curly - than can name the three branches of government, whatever they are.

What I didn’t understand and what I’m sure many Americans who took this survey didn’t understand is that there is actually a difference between The Three Stooges and the three branches of government. Slapstick, after all, is still slapstick - no matter what you call it. Two fingers in the eyes, as often happens in politics, are still two fingers in the eyes.

And funny is funny.

Of course, sometimes funny isn’t so funny and maybe, just maybe that’s why popular culture in this country has become so, well, popular. Or maybe it’s just that the mechanics of our democracy have become so unpopular. Anger really is a turnoff unless, of course, it shows up in a TV sitcom. And violence without Hollywood actors is a real drag.

And yet the over-popularity of popular culture is not just about American culture because more people can identify the fictional English boy Wizard Harry Potter than can identify the English Prime Minister, Tony Blair - and I am sure there are at least a few, like me, who confuse the two.

And here in America we know we know more about Homer Simpson than we know about Homer’s Iliad or Odyssey.

It’s great, isn’t it?

See, ignorance is bliss and Americans are proving that the less we know the happier we are - as long as we can find out quick about that damn Hollywood baby. Sheez.

Hand wringing about who possesses what kind of knowledge is just the sort of thing that makes every bit of news about Britney Spears, like, super important.

We Americans are obviously proud to be politically ignorant and yet well informed about stuff at the same time. And, heck, politics and government are actually popular with some people and that’s why there is talk radio and 24-hour cable news. But it’s a now a niche, kind of like the golf channel - and you have the right to ignore golf.

The hand-wringing argument, of course, is that in order for us to be responsible citizens able to make informed choices about our government, we should come to the voting booth equipped with some basic facts. And while all of us are equipped with basic facts, the fully-functioning citizen’s document of choice these days is not the United States Constitution but rather People Magazine.

And besides, who votes anyway? It’s not in style.

The lines between popular culture and politics have always been blurry like a Ronald Reagan movie or a U2 concert. But they didn’t melt together yesterday. And maybe it’s not so bad. After all, isn’t popular culture just a contest to get the message out? And isn’t politics just a contest to…

See, America is now post-political so that we can concern ourselves with what we really care about and ignore the stuff that scares us. We live for the victories and foibles of our biggest celebrities, we live vicariously, and clearly our knowledge shows where our concerns lie. And everyone complains about the government.

But I think in democracy, we get the government that we deserve. Isn’t that obvious?

 

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Sample 2

CHEESEBURGERS AS HEALTH FOOD

I have been taking prescription-strength cheeseburgers for my arthritis because they are safer on my heart than most of the other drugs on the market. Plus they help me hit homeruns - but let’s keep that between you and me. It seems my newfound prowess has made others angry.

Anyway, last week, I was looking through my favorite pharmaceutical company’s recent catalog trying to decide whether I would look better on a hair-growth drug or a weight-loss supplement when I realized I am depressed that I am not depressed. Then I didn’t think about it for a little while, which made me at least hopeful that I have Adult ADD.

I think something bothers me. Or more accurately - I think, therefore something bothers me. It seems that if there is nothing wrong with you in modern America, something is wrong with you. What is wrong with you? That is the question.

Is it nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of real disease or to succumb to the guilty pressure of jingly advertising? The people selling the snake oil do not care. They just want you to buy their cure. But first, you need assurance that something bothers you.

So I was looking at my toenails and scratching my elbows thinking of all this when in walked my special lady. She smiled at me like she wanted up to four hours of fun - right now!

Suddenly, I had stress and some serious social anxiety disorder. My blood pressure skyrocketed, and my arthritis kicked in so I ate another cheeseburger but that, in turn, bumped my cholesterol up to dangerous levels.

That’s when I discovered that I suffered from simple hunger - and that really is a problem. Sure, I’d recently inhaled a couple of cheeseburgers, but those were used as medicine and therefore didn’t count.

My problem was that I wasn’t lovin’ it. So I had another cheeseburger - had it my way this time - and I chased it with a large soda endorsed by a slim celebrity.

A jingle and my upset stomach sent me singing and dancing into the bathroom but when I looked around afterwards, I became convinced that some subjects should not have a catchy, jingle and choreographed dance steps. Just then, my blood platelets landed the necessary permits to build condominiums in my arteries so I was forced to go on a diet.

When my Adult ADD kicked in, I couldn’t remember if I was supposed to have no carbohydrates or no food from South Beach. I’m not sure what is wrong with the food from South Beach, but I’ve been staying away from it religiously.

That’s how I found religion. Now, I am being recruited much like an athlete is in big-time college football programs. Although I am currently a free agent, my representative, Scott Boras, says that he is not willing to negotiate with some of these teams. There shall be no airport or front door negotiations and, most certainly none involving hoods and long swords. Plus, I’m a home run hitter. I want incentives. Show me the heaven.

When the negotiations inexplicably stalled, I listened to my favorite old rock band and I discovered that what I desperately need is a big truck. I don’t actually know what a hemi is, but I’m convinced I’ve gotta get one because I’ve been having nightmares about a stump.

Finally, I was depressed! This made me ecstatic.

Plus, I was having problems sleeping. For the first time in my adult life, I felt like I belonged. I needed someone to talk to so I joined a group - Donuts Anonymous.

We shared sad tales of starting with our first ecstatic donut only to fall into the abyss of living for circles of dough.

We held hands, drank beer sold by twins, and sang old rock songs into our cell phones. It was a magical evening until someone brought up red-state/blue-state politics and the next thing you know we were looking to control our anger issues. It was a tussle but I was stronger than all the others combined.

And that’s why I always carry a cheeseburger with me.